So I got busy with school. Shocker, I know. And now, after about a month or so home, I am heading back off to the City of Angels. So what does that mean? A grand comeback, that is what!
May I introduce to you...The Holy Gopher.
The Holy Gopher made itself known to me at a Walmart last Thursday. It was as if my eye was drawn to the bright yellow packaging, his visage glowing bright amongst the chapstick and temporary tattoos. And I knew, at that very moment, that it had come to offer me its tiny paw in protection.
I am the chosen one.
Not long after I recieved the call I knew what His Hole-iness was intending - he wished to bless me as I departed upon my trip. Yes, it knew of my first great road trip across the country, from the fields of Ohio to the shores of California. And so began our journey to boldly go where no one, Hayslip or Hamster, had gone before.
(So I'm still on a "Star Trek" kick - you wanna fight about it?)
Before setting off on our journey, I requested of The Gopher to bless my father's blackberry bush.
As you can see from my mulch-y knees, my hands pressed together in prayer, it was a solemn occasion. A moment of reflection for all those present. Truly, at this moment I felt as if we truly are all one in this universe, one giant living organism, bound together and made unique by the grace of his furriness.
For even as we revelled in the sheer emotional impact of this moment, The Holy Gopher passed upon the bush, and the bush began to bear fruit - a testament to the incomprehendible awesomeness that is Him.
And so we begin.
As I drove over the vast nothingness that is the Northeast, I was met with many things. A van made to look like a shiny orange cat (a formidable pussy wagon, to be sure,) a place of interest known only as "Cataract Falls." But it was when I was met with another diety that I did stop and take pause.
He is? Where may he be? I would love to shake his hand. But why the stark message? Why the drab color scheme, the harshness?
"YE SHALL NOT PUT NO OTHER GODS BEFORE ME!!!!!"
Indeed, I quaked. Although my faith in His Rodentia never faltered, I was struck by the dazzling rays that shone from him as he dwarfed the hulking sign. Traffic stopped. The earth may very well have stopped rotating. All that existed in that moment was The Gopher, both beautiful and terrifying, as he projected his might across the land.
And what is this? Yet another sign of His Majesty?
Why, of course! His Gopher Heart clearly has room for those of same-sex orientation. Behold, he has brought me upon a town named for my beloved, the breathtaking Casey!
I was awestruck. My heart overflowed with thanks for Him and the blessing he laid upon me and my girlfriend this day. So overtaken with emotion I was, that I suffered a stroke.
I recovered quickly, as you see, my sanity brought back to me by noneother than He Who Digs For The Chosen. I displayed myself as is proper, peeking out of the corner of the frame, to display my gratitude and respect for The Holy Gopher.
And so concluded our first day of travelling across the States. We made it through Ohio, Indiana, Illinois and Missouri before feeling we needed an evening of contemplation.
What does he say to me? His language is a language of old, one that only I dare to understand. I believe he has bequeathed me the ability, a voice for He Who Only Squeaks, so that he may reach out his 'ittle claws to all those who wish to seek His Wisdom. He wishes you all a pleasant evening, a peaceful night of rest and much foraging. For now, he is silent. I must rest. His Worship has told me to.
Sweet Dreams, Burrowers.
~Steph, Servant To His Gopherness