I apologize for the lateness of this post. I know it has been a long while since the gospel has touched you, dear burrowers. But now, after a weekend filled with sunburns and naked men (A story which I will empart another day,) I give you the final leg of The Holy Gopher's journey.
For those of you who are interested, yes, there are more of THG adventures that will be told to you all. For no, THG cannot leave you now, now that he has touched you all in oh so many ways. No, he has so much more to teach you, he cannot leave you in your hour of need.
But onto our tale.
I woke with makeup and hair camera-ready of course, courtesy of The Gopher, and we headed out onto the road. He Who Lives For The Earth was quite a crankypants - I think he was just getting cabin fever from four days in the car, which is understandable. No being was meant to be jammed in a car for days on end. Not even the Italian Mafia.
Still, he was a brilliant navigator and we were well on the way to California. It wasn't long into our journey that we reached Arizona, otherwise known as "The Gorgeous State that Casey won't let us move to because it's too hot." Yes, I called my girlfriend out. It's alright, she still won't move there.
It was truly a majestic land, a world of craggy rock and rich green hills, fierce winds and highways you could go 75 miles per hour on. The Gopher felt at home here, as if he was always meant to watch over these lands. He looked out over the mountains and valleys of this great state with a strong solemnity, as if he would never see a more fitting place to reign.
Truly, Arizona became a land of wonder for us. We were awestruck at the sheer magnitude of what lay before us, eyes wide with all its brilliance. And it was then, and only then, that the Gopher spoke that day.
"I want to see dinosaurs."
I blinked, unsure of how to proceed. One does not correct The Gopher. But did he not know that the dinosaur had long since perished?
Suddenly, my car revved its engine and picked up speed. I could not believe it, but as I glanced down I was set into shock at what I saw.
The Gopher was driving.
We careened down an abandoned road the likes of which I have never seen. I stifled my screams of horror, trying to find my trust in The Gopher, but to say I was not scared would be an outright lie. What we came upon, though, was truly nothing short of amazing.
The Meteor Crater.
It is said this is the first meteor crater to be found in the United States and that it has not changed all that much since it was made. We touched a piece of the meteor that made the hole:
Yes, that means what you think it means. The above would be read as such: WE TOUCHED SOMETHING FROM OUTER FUCKING SPACE.
The magnitude of that still makes me reel.
The Crater is off the beaten path of I-40 by a good ten minutes but the trip was beyond worth it. The Meteor Crater not only had a museum filled with interesting facts and wonderful hands-on exhibits, but to see something that exists on the planet solely because of it hurtling through our atmosphere was quite humbling to say the absolute least.
When you are on the observation decks, they have many telescopes set up to get a better idea of how huge this crater was. One of the telescopes was focused on an example of what a six foot tall astronaut and a 3x5 flag would look like in comparison to the crater. They were planted in the very center of the crater, from what I could tell of the telescope's placement. When you looked through the telescope, it was plain to see. When you looked away, though, it was so tiny that you literally couldn't see it.
That was how big this hole was. I believe this is how The Gopher made his way to our planet. Sure, He could have simply appeared, as many gods do. But I believe that being the entirely unique being He is, that He rode a blazing hot meteor over a century ago to blast a hole into our earth's crust. Believe what you will.
We also got a look at the kind of pod that the practiced re-entering Earth's atmosphere with (aka, this is the test dummy they dropped from a great height into an ocean to make sure people wouldn't die when they dropped onto Earth from space.) That was quite exciting, to say the least, even if it was a prototype that never made it to space.
We got our pictures at the crater, said our goodbyes and went on our merry way.
As we continued on our journey, we both had an intense thirst come upon us. It was jarring, to be sure. Luckily, we came across something that we felt would quench our thirsts. After all, if it was named after polygamists, it must be strong in quantity.
"HOW DARE YOU DISRUPT OUR SLUMBERRRRRR RAWWWWWWWWWWR!!!!!!" Whirling around, The Holy Gopher and his illustrious consort were brought face to face with just what He has wished to come upon us.
Yes, we came across the dinosaurs. A myth brought to life only in your wildest nightmares.
I trembled. He Who Is The Dirt was a match for them, this was sure. But there were so many of them, their teeth vicious, their eyes devoid of any emotion but pure, unerring bloodlust. I dropped to my knees in prayer, giving my all, my everything to my Bic Prophet.
They crowded in and at any moment I was sure that THG would be overtaken. I had a sheer crisis of faith, my friends. How can one gopher vanquish such an army? They would gobble him up in one bite before any of his peace and majesty could be shared with them.
"Silence, vicious monsters." A figure emerged from the shadows. It too towered over the Blessed Rodent and we all watched in baited breath, Human and Reptilian alike. I was shaken, my mouth dry as they weighed each other's gazes.
They embrace! A stricken silence filled the air. I believe I heard the tiniest intake of breath, followed by an awed sob. It was as the gospel said.
"And so it shall be, according to the prophecy, that The Holy Gopher may come across the most powerful of beasts, and the beasts too shall look upon him. They shall look upon him and tremble at his small stature.
And it is then that a King of Beasts shall appear. The Gopher shall offer peace upon his people and the beast shall accept it, their embrace bringing together the strength of nations, the understanding of hope."
A tear rolled down my cheek. And so it was that He Who Digs came upon the pack of dinosaurs and brought them to His Paw, to which they celebrated by performing "A Chorus Line."
They brought us to meet the oldest of dinosaurs, an ancient who they solely knew as Cyril. He had diminshed to nothing but a skull, his teeth powerful and frightening in his skull as he and THG made their introductions. As was the custom, The Gopher took his rightful place above Cyril's head.
Our journey ended not long after that, Arizona giving way to the wild gas prices of California, where highways only exist in the minds of Mapquest and people wonder why you are appalled that they only where their bikini to the grocery store. It was a trip to be remembered, to be admired, watched over by the patron saints Michael and Jason, guided by none other than Him Himself.
For those who are concerned, there will be more Holy Gopher. Never fear. He also has a Twitter you may follow, which you can find here: http://twitter.com/theholygopher
Good evening, gentle readers. May His Paws be upon you.