Skin, Neck, Titty.

 

Damn Skippy I am.

 

Guys.  I would never, ever dream I would look at you all and with a wistful to lilt to my voice sigh and say..."I miss Schenectady."

 

Not that I had anything against Schenectady.  It's just I only learned how to spell Schenectady when I had to travel TO Schenectady.  Of course now that Schenectady is my new favorite city, I will be using the word Schenectady as much as I feasibly can.  Schenectady.

 

Ok, now that that's out of the way...

 

 

Ask me why a place that looks like this would be my new favorite place.  Yes, this is the main thoroughfare.  Go ahead.  Ask me.

 

1) Free Laundry.  (Yes, this is valid.  Valid as fuck.  Anyone who doesn't live in NY, LA, Chicago or etc., just trust me on this.

 

2) A Nutty Irishman Coffee that sent me to the goddamned Emerald Isle.

 

3) A Homeopath/New Age Store literally a block from my hotel.  The THEATER was on the SAME block.  A CVS was a block away.  A bomb ass burrito place was right next to a bomb ass sushi place that was across the street.  There was a movie theater a block away.  You get the point.

 

4) Hot Tub.  Fuck Yeah.

 

5) The theater had a vintage arcade, aka an indoor strip mall of kickass little stores, including one that was selling Doctor Who shirts.  DOCTOR WHO SHIRTS.  I rest my case.

 

6) I'm pretty sure our dressing room was haunted by someone who liked to steal our wig caps and sniff 'em.

 

7) The arcade broke my heart by showing a Godzilla marathon a week after I left, and "Big Trouble In Little China" the night of a show.  I have never been more tempted to call out in my life.

 

8) There was an Irish store a block away.  I mean straight up everything was from Ireland.  I got things with my ancestors crests on them and a claddagh ring straight up from Solvar jewelers in Dublin.  Baller.

 

9) The national sport of Schenectady is Beer Pong.

 

10) On Sunday they had their weekly indoor farmer's market, with live music, pounds of produce, handmade everything, massages, wine, peanut butter, and that one thing you loved as a kid that always made you feel like everything was right in the world?  Yeah, whatever that was for you, it was there.

 

11) 2 for 1 bar deals everywhere.  Am I in Vegas?

 

12) THIS IS WHAT MY DRESSING TABLE LOOKED LIKE.

 

Yes.  Yes, that is a dressing table designed by the cast and crew of Matthew Bourne's Sleeping Beauty.  The Goth Sleeping Beauty Ballet.  Signed by everyone.  I nearly had a fit.  Every dressing table was designed by a cast that had been there (we didn't get the chance to do our own, sadly.)  La Cage, Billy Elliot, Shrek, Wicked...but this was mine.  And if I could have broke it down and carted it with me, I would have.

Here's a shot of the La Cage Aux Folles one...check out the bedazzled rose...

Here are some more obligatory shots Loki had me take, since the table was like his own gothic playground for him to prance and plot in.

It was our own dark-hearted paradise for the week.

But I got off track here.  (Yes, that is a "Back To The Tardis" t-shirt I bought.  Deal with it.)

 

Loki didn't stay with me in Schenectady, as he found the City Hall and quickly took that over...

 

 

And we investigated an abandoned building that we were pretty sure had been once owned by a demon cult that liked glass art...

 

 

Loki approved of this chalk art the coffee shop in the arcade did (spot on to the graphic art we have - what a welcome!  Thank you Apostrophe Café!  Also, please check out "Happy Cappuccino" when you are on Jay Street as well - every latte there is liquid happiness.)

 

 

And then there was Ambition Café, where that Nutty Irishman was, among delish everything else you could dream of...

 

I mean where else is Loki gonna meet Madonna, Kermit, Piggy, Hermey the Goddamned Elf and Wonder Woman all in the same breath?  Come on.

 

 

And to round out our stay there, the Hell's Angels were running a charity pep rally to choke out cancer, and had flyers around.  If you took down a flyer, you got your face kicked in.  Since this flyer was on a table and not hanging up, I believe I will be saved of such a fate.

 

 

All in all, you kicked major ass Schenectady.  I haven't had so much fun in a city yet, and your audiences made me feel like I was playing Woodstock.  So god bless you, Schenectady.  We look forward to seeing you again soon.

 

 

Rock Lobster!! Err...I mean Rochester.

 

In which Loki won a truck!

 

Ok, not really.  But seriously, who puts a truck in an airport?  How did you even get a truck IN the airport?

 

Anyway, this is not the story we are here to tell.  Once upon a time, as Loki was pouting upon the Rainbow Bridge, he sighed.

 

 

"Le sigh," he sighed, in a sigh-like way.  "Why can't I find someone to love?"

 

I have to admit, this forlorn little nugget tugged at my heartstrings.  No one should feel unloved, and everyone should feel love.  So I decided what the hell, I'm not doing much else in Rochester.  Let's get Loki romantically entangled.

 

My first thought of course, it being Valentine's Day and all, was to just shower him with attention.  Who doesn't love having the most Valentines in class?

 

 

I couldn't fool His Highness though.  I forgot I'd already labeled all of them.

 

Looked like the only thing left to do was teach him the fine art of wooing.  He's known as Loki Silver-Tongue, how hard could this be?  My buddy Operetta was kind enough to volunteer as tribute in this little lesson.  She seemed a little put out, but hey, she's a busy chick, and I know her time is precious.

 

 

"Hey there...what do you humans say...'Foxy?'"

 

"...are you serious?"

 

 

 

Uh-oh, red alert Loki, try a better tactic, maybe say something about what she's wearing...

 

"I can see right up your skirt."

 

 

Oh Jesus.

 

Maybe someone with a little more...compassion.  A woman where Loki could really figure out what made her tick.  And what's the phrase, "Cold Hands, Warm Heart?"

 

 

A robot would fit that description, right?  And he's from Jotunheim, 4 cold hands, 2 warm hearts...could be a match...

 

Miss Robecca Steam was so kind as to agree to chat with Loki.  Things started out VERY promising!

 

 

 

"Hey there Frosty, like my hat?"

 

 

"It is...er...quite fetching.  Reminds me of the Pillars of Asgard.  Or those little copper coins Americans never use in their currency."

 

  

"You're weird."

 

"I know.  I've never fit in.  It's my cross to bear."

 

"Hey.  No one really fits in, not entirely.  That's ok.  You want to hold my hand?"

 

"Ok."

 

 

 

"You know, this isn't half bad.  Maybe it's because you aren't a lowly human."

 

"Um...thanks?"

 

Fin.

 

P.S. Rochester was very cold.  I mean very.  And driving was not the biggest of fun things to do.  So me and Lokes kept to ourselves quite a bit.  But you Rochester audiences made me feel like a flippin' rock god, and for that I thank you.  Also, our Mother Superior left us to our profound contemplation in Rochester.  Although our reigning MS is tremendous, our temporary one was an angel who got me through very much.  And for that, I send kisses and Benedict Cumberbatch-shaped Valentines. XO.

 

The Rushing Rapids, The Grandness of...Something.

Not much happened in Grand Rapids.

 

This is why.

 

 

But Loki refused to disappoint his gentle, appreciative followers.  I think it's because he thinks he is the only sort of true entertainment for us meager lifeforms.  Who knows.  All I know is it was cold, our hotel wasn't paying its employees and it took 20 minutes after you parked to get into the theater.  I'm not kidding.

 

It was also in single digits and even the Ice King here couldn't figure out why the women were constantly dressed in skirts that only cupped their butts for dear life and 6-inch spike heels that were never meant to touch ice, snow, salt, carpet, tile, or any other surface that might make you walk like a newborn calf.

 

But I will tell you what, Grand Rapids has some talented people!  Check out Loki's latest virgin bride!

 

 

That is a cake completely handmade by one of the ushers at the theater featuring our very own Delores Van Cartier!  Complete with fondant heart tabard and rope belt!  Way, way too epic and cool.

 

I also got to introduce Loki to the my guiltiest of pleasures...Tim Horton Ice Caps.

 

 

Oh, it's hazelnutty goodness.  How I missed thee.  But other than that, I basically left Loki's demands unheeded as I trekked from theater to hotel and back.  I think the extreme cold is finally shattering my sanity.  For instance, this is my reaction when I came home to find my bed made one day...

 

 

I rest my case.

 

 

Spendin' the Day in Dayton (Or Week in Weekton...)

I'm HOME!

 

Well, kinda.

Yup, sadly the show isn't hitting Columbus.  But it DID hit Dayton!  And what a welcome it was.

The genuinely most exciting thing about it was my parents got to see me perform.  Not only is this show a big deal to me, but my parents haven't gotten to see me in a show since I moved to LA.  That's daft.

Also, a had a slew of people come see me!  Tonya, Debbie, Debra, Chris and Steve and Aunt Kim!  It was so, so thrilling to share this with you.  So glad you were able to make it.  A lot of people don't quite understand why I do this, but I hope some of you get it now.

Loki, however, had bigger fish to freeze than me performing in my home state.  Surprise, surprise.

(Dramatic lighting brought to you by the wall-mounted book lights in the hotel room.)

 

"This journey, although enlightening, is becoming tedious.  I must bring forth action.  I need to become more visible to my people!"

 

"Well Lokes, how 'bout this place?  They at least seem jovial here, if not emotionally unstable..."

 

 

"The Happy...Hormone...Cottage."

 

"Sure man, why not?  One look at your smokin' hot bod and they'd kneel for sure.  Or carve your heart out with a spoon.  Not sure which."

 

"As much as I know you would like to be rid of me, Slip of Hay, I have bigger plans.  You are going to be on the city's plasma screens, are you not?"

 

"Uh, you mean TV?  Yeah, why..."

 

"I believe I shall be accompanying you."

 

So we headed off to Dayton's finest to talk about my life on the road.  It was surreal.  If I told 5 year-old me "Hey, Stepplehaney, you're gonna be on TV talking about how you're touring the country in a broadway show!"  5 year-old me would...probably have been traumatized and haunted by night terrors throughout her formative years.

 

When we reached our destination, Loki was overjoyed.  There were so many cameras!  So many lights!  His foray into local television newscasts was his for the taking.  He would dominate the weather...

 

"SNOW!  ICE!  ALL THINGS FROZEN AND TERRIBLE UNTIL YOU BOW TO ME!!!"

There was even a green screen to track his progress of world domination.

He would tug at our heartstrings with warm fuzzy fluff pieces...

 

"Today on Loki Live, the heartwarming tale of how my brother saved me when I fell off the Rainbow Bridge.  WAIT..."

Even the hard-hitting headlines were no match for him.

"Tonight on Channel 2 News, I describe in detail what will befall you all if you do not submit to my excellence.  Also, I ask you the question, "Is this not simpler?"

Yes, Dayton had no choice but to fall under Loki's intense charisma and charm.  If you can call it that.

They even gave us a delicious chocolate sugar cookie in honor of his newfound reign.

 

(Cookie care of "Just A Girl Bakes."  Seriously, look them up.  Delicious, beautiful and all by hand!)

 

He did hear about a few rebels fighting back against his rule, but he nipped that in the bud quite quickly.

 

He showed pity upon this poor girl who had grown a beard, though...turns out the ice giant has a soft spot for miserable children.  Who knew?

 

 

In Dayton, Loki also found his Happy Place.  Ain't that a relief.

 

 

If it had a random mannequin nipple in it...

 

 

All the better.

 

 

It was so sad to say bye to my parents and friends, but I am blessed to have seen them more in the past 2 months than I usually do in a year.  We also had to say goodbye to three amazing cast members, one of which being the amazing Ernie P., who has had his own photoblog while he has toured with Sister Act.  On Sunday night, our last night in Dayton, we sent the caveman and Ernie off with a bang as we passed the torch to Loki's adventures.

 

Happy Trails, Ernie.  We miss you.