Sunday, March 30, 2014

Rattlesnake Smile

Loki flew into Nashville with big dreams.
He rode upon a magic carpet...
He sailed upon the back of a majestic butterfly...
And after prancing along the Rainbow Bridge in a very manly and regal fashion that was not in the slightest way adorable, we ventured to our hotel in beautiful Nashville.
...Which was a shithole the likes of which got half the cast sick, for varying reasons.  Let's just say the lobby smelled of sewage, with a lovely floral air freshener from Family Dollar.  Also, if you didn't have a drunken bachelorette party sharing a wall with you, you had a group of teenage baptists on their first journey to the big effing city having parties in the halls, or you had the absolute batshit people who came to Music City to get trashed for St. Pat's.

Needless to say, I would love to come back to Nashville AND NOT STAY AT THE MILLENIUM MAXWELL HOUSE.  Because the city was kickass and absolutely killed it in every other way, but damn.  Just damn.

There was a very cool excursion Loki dragged me on though, as he was looking for the biggest platform in which he could address the masses of sheep he would now be ruling in Tennessee...

The Legendary Grand Ole Opry.

Neither me nor Lokes are big country fans, but you have to have a deep admiration for the Opry and its place in history as well as what it has done for the millions of artists that have been given their big break here, or simply been inspired by the magic the Opry has brought to the masses.  Yes, me and Loki got to stand on the sacred circle (which was definitely freaky, as it is spoken about as an almost holy place,) and Loki demanded I sing as it is "What the human guides say is an honor."

It was an honor simply to walk these halls and hear the rich history and humble power the Opry wields, and learn about its rich, steadfast traditions.  We even stopped by Roy Acuff's dressing room and said hello to the late Opry host, as he always had an open door policy and the staff still respects that rule to this day.

We got to see a few of the dressing rooms, each so vibrant and individual it would be incredibly hard to pick a favorite, but here are a few of the other rooms...

Loki was immensely confused by the giant guitars out front, as our large mammals don't play instruments here on Earth, and we should have more respect for our instruments than to leave them outside.
He did bless the nearby mall for honoring my show in a proper fashion...
And oh!  We also did our first media night!  We got to stand in front of one of those backdrops with the logos, red-carpet style.
Yeah, Nashville was lovely.  I just wish our hotel wasn't a nightmare.  But in the end, your music was killer, your food was something that I cannot describe its loveliness, and you were all around wonderful to visit.
Til the next jam sesh, Music City...

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Almost Everything Strange Washes Up Near Miami.

After months of trudging through sub-zero temperatures, I was dipped in the balmy baptismal waters of West Palm Beach, FL.  I now understand why this is where rich people go to die.
Look.  At.  This.
Loki was none too pleased, extolling the virtues of snow and ice, to which I responded in kind.
If he continued to bitch, I told him he'd find out how it felt to get his eyes exfoliated.  He let me enjoy the rest of my beach day without complaint.
Florida definitely grew on him.  It was just too pretty to resist, not to mention West Palm is very affluent and as Loki put it, "Fit for the proper King of Asgard."  Whatever.  Although I did get rather jazzed when the courtyard we were in started blasting "Seasons of Love."
I began to sing along...
But Loki disapproved.
I guess I know who isn't coming the next time I book that show.
Although after they blasted it EIGHT TIMES IN A ROW, I could see Loki's point.
So as the sun set on the beautiful paradise of a week we had in Florida, even Loki was a bit sad to say goodbye.
But we will remember all the good times, all the big glass lips...
Hey, Loki, YOUR MOMMA KISS YOU WITH THAT MOUTH???  Oh...she didn' bad...
And colorful poppies...
And gorgeous sunflowers...
Along with all the humidity, honest-to-god thunderstorms that I had missed, and glittering sand that we had to leave behind.
Miss you, Florida!  Just don't expect me there in summer.  Kisses!

White Chocolate.

Oh Hershey Pennsylvania...
Where your unions are made of chocolate...
Your streetlights are made of chocolate...
Your amusement park looks like a zombie apocalypse hit it...
I thought there would be more to say about Hershey.  But unfortunately, everything was shut down except for a few places and it was freezing.  Many a thing went ill with our trip to Hershey, but hey...
Loki got to take over Chocolate World, though!
Where there was free chocolate, giant bricks of chocolate that you could get "Thank You For Watching The Cats" written on in chocolate, (Trust me, someone did,) and a free chocolate RIDE!
"Why are these cows so happy humans yank on their teets all day?"
"Um...Loki, I think it's time we had a little talk about the birds and the bees..."

"But birds and bees are of no consequence, this regards dairy and sugar, correct?"
"On Asgard, we aren't foolhardy enough to name our food.  Just another reason your kind should not be in charge of your piddling little planet."
"But my lord, these cows are special!  They can sing!"
".....not all your cows sing?"

Moving on...
"No Loki, you can't get out of the carriage."
"But the bright...the sweet..."

Even looking at these pictures all these weeks later I can still hear the song.  "Hershey's Milk Chocolate Tasty Treeeeeeat!  Hershey's Milk Chocolate Tasty Treeeeeeat!"
We also got to make our own chocolate bar!  It had SPRINKLES, yall.  SPRINKLES.  Do you UNDERSTAND ME???
Yes, I made a milk chocolate brick made with butter toffee and butterscotch chips.  I got to design my wrapper like a goddamn boss, too.
Loki was watching the chocolate bar getting made while I designed it.  Hence the blue, not green and "LOKI'S DOMINATION IS THE SWEETEST" emblazoned across it.  But hey!  Snowflakes!  I was thinking about ya!
We also checked out the other thing that was open in town, "The Hershey Story."
Truly a lovely museum, with amazing stories that will leave you inspired.  Sometimes human beings are downright wonderful people, and we should learn from said people.  Not that Loki learned anything, mind, he was too fascinated with this apostolic clock in the lobby...
...And the chocolate flight we took, which was the most decadent and important thing in existence.  Even if you don't like chocolate, you should take this chocolate flight.
Our favorites were Java in the milk chocolate category (The dark blue on the end,) and Sao Thome for the dark (That is the yellow in the middle.)  It was very interesting to discover how they all tasted different, and as badly as I wanted to go on a chocolate binge and down these like cheap tequila shots, I have never tasted anything so decadent in my life.  Definitely something you should do with at least 4 people, as me, my friend Amy and Loki could not finish it all.
(More sustaining than meat.  They genuinely used this in their advertising, people.  No wonder America has a weight problem now.)
All in all, I think Hershey would be a ton of fun in the spring, summer...basically any time where it wasn't freezing and half the stores, restaurants and other activities were shut down as if it were the 1800's.  I would love to see that.  Until next time, Hershey...
But don't worry Chocolate Town, USA, I will never forget you.  Because you also did something extra special for me.
I premiered as Mary Patrick in you.  So you will always have a special place for you in my heart.
Stay Sweet, little minions!