Thursday, January 30, 2014

Melty, Cheesy Goodness...

Madison.  Where I ate no cheese and sit on a throne of lies.
Not quite.  They have a guy SURFING on this T-Shirt.  Now let's take a look at Madison, WI...
I ain't surfing nowhere.
Here's the kicker: I didn't care.  Madison, Wisconsin, is probably the coolest place I've been yet.  I could happily retire here.  They are super cool and progressive, have Rocky Horror on Saturdays, and drink specials that are both priced and named to perfection.  This, for instance, is a "Honey Badger..."
It was made with Honey Bourbon and Angel's Laughter.  It tasted like honest-to-god apple cider.  So, so delicious and dangerous.  We also had drinks named "Ginger and the Skipper Too," "Blubalicious," and "Smurfette's Revenge."  All amazing.  Needless to say, I drank the most I have on tour here.
Seriously though guys, I never thought Loki and I would have so much fun here, but it was a blast despite the freezing temperatures.  Loki of course couldn't get enough, being a Jotun and all, but he even found several reasons why he wanted to personally overtake this city above all others.
"They know how to honor their liberators!"
"They know when to give up hope!"
"I mean look at this place, beautiful as it is, they are nothing but confused!  They need my guidance."
"They don't even know how to handle their livestock, they simply paint and leave it to DIE."
"At least they know how to welcome my attendant."
He also was pleased that Madison knew how to feed someone "In a manner fitting of Asgard," meaning one plate of food could easily feed 3-4 people.
All in all, Loki is loving all this freezing cold weather, and I want to punch his smug face in for it.  That being said, Madison was breathtaking, SO much fun and I cannot wait to go back.

I'd just prefer it wasn't subzero when I'm there again.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Grab your Derby, we're headed to KY...

Louisville was definitely way cooler than I would have imagined, and the people were a breath of fresh air after some of the people I had been interacting with for the past few weeks.
And something else happened here...what was it...oh yeah.  I OPENED IN THE FIRST NATIONAL TOUR OF "SISTER ACT."
Loki came opening night, of course.  He definitely had me nervous, I knew what would happen if I failed (ever seen a burnt pork rind?)  But after the show, he gave me the highest of compliments.
"You were adequate.  For a human."
I think that's about as good as I'm going to get, folks.
Besides, our favorite little Norse god was too busy trying to obtain the beautiful horse statues we encountered all over the city.
"This!  This is what I have been missing!  A pack of noble steeds to ferry us across rebel lands!"
It didn't seem to bother him that all these horses were stationary, as they were bolted to the goddamn ground.  It wasn't until we came across one bearing a rider that we had a problem...
I tried to explain to him that this was a horsetrack town, the home of one of the most famous horse races in the world.  That this was a statue in honor of something steeped in rich tradition of Louisville and classic Americana.  Guess how far being rational got me?
"I see, you man of two shades, that you are not willing to part with your steed.  As much as I appreciate your courage, I have no real need for you.  I would hate to make an example of you to the other humans for the sake of Earth's servitude."
Surprise surprise, the great stone jockey was nonplussed.  I wonder why.
Needless to say, Loki flew into a rage the likes of which I have never experienced.  Magic crackled through the air as he railed on and on, and despite my attempts to calm him down, maybe find him a different horse, he took his aggressions out on this poor, defenseless bike rack...
Remind me to never piss him off.
It was only after he screamed his rage to the heavens loud enough to start making melting ice from the buildings crash to the ground that he finally put a lid on it and let me enjoy the opening week of my first equity tour.
I told him he's an Ice Giant.  That he should grow a set.  But then he gave me the big weepy "I'm a runt that was left by his father to die" eyes, and I couldn't help cuddle him and apologize for my harsh words.
This picture was taken after the Great Coup of Fourth Street, where Loki single-handedly defeated the Louisville Police Department and renamed the city "Lokiville."  A lot happened in this town - I went on in "Sister Act" for the first time, had real Kentucky Bourbon, and Loki finally succeeded in taking over a city!
We're climbing a stairway to heaven, people.

Tour, Interrupted

We were supposed to be in Louisville on Monday.  We didn't get there on Monday.

The "Polar Vortex" cancelled our flight and we were stranded in Boston until Wednesday with no luggage, as somehow our bags got a flight to Louisville but we didn't.  Had to cancel our Tuesday show.  A "Polar Vortex."  I wonder what kind of an Ice Giant from Jotunheim could have pulled THAT off.  *annoyed glare at the nugget on my nightstand*

Look at him, acting all innocent and shit...

Anyway, we had an unexpected few days off.  Which actually, besides the temperature being in single digits, was quite bomb.

Article 1: We got to stay in the snazziest, super haunted hotel, the Omni Parker House.

No joke.  Seriously haunted yall.  Floors 3 & 10 were the most famous for it, (go look it up, very cool stories,) but I was on the 5th floor and even had some craziness go down.  Not to mention the bed was like sleeping on angel bosoms.  ESPECIALLY after the block of wood that gave me bruises for a week in Worcester.
Article 2: Boston. Is. Beautiful.

Seriously breathtaking.  It's like taking a step into Colonial America and chilling in a metro, cool-as-shit city all at once.  You feel the energy of all that has taken place here, all around you, and the people are even more no nonsense than in New York, so step lively and watch your P's and Q's, people.

But honestly, as confusing as getting around the city is for me as it is a city that has built upon itself a hundred times over, I would love to visit this place when I had more time (and a little higher temperature,) to explore.  I wanted to go on the Freedom Trail, but it was just way, way too cold.  I did visit the place where the Boston Tea Party was born though, and that was...there are simply no words.

Article 3 of why Boston was Awesome: CUPCAKES.

And not just any cupcakes.  These were cupcakes made by Jesus upon the Mount.  I don't even have that much of a sweet tooth, even these cute mini ones from Cakeology took me a day and half to finish, but GOD.  The favorite of this trip was the one in the middle, which is Earl Grey and Honey, (no joke.)  The other two were Salted Caramel and Smores.  Loki liked the Smores...

A lot.

The other place I visited was called Sweet.  I was told they had a Snickerdoodle cupcake, which sounded insane, and indeed it was.  But the winner of this trip was the Bananas Foster.  I mean...come on.
Finally, we hopped on a plane at the crack of dawn Wednesday morning and made it to Louisville.
It took 3 days, 2 planes, 1 bus driver who thought he was a tour guide that needed to shout his insights to the back of the bus.  But we made it.  And then...
I opened.
But more on that tomorrow.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Worscester, MA

I don't want to talk about Worchester, Massachusetts.

I wasn't up for Loki's shenanigans and it was rough.  But as someone very wise put it on one spectacularly bad day, "Make this the worst day of the tour.  After that, it will only get better."

I did, however, see Loki make love to a swan.

It made me very uncomfortable.

Monday, January 6, 2014

The Revolution Will Be Televised, Part 2

When we last left our intrepid heroes, they were facing off against their most formidable enemy yet.

Loki.  With an elf, a fuzzy kitty, a twinkie and a midget.

"Stand BACK citizens!  The Batman will protect the city of Columbus!"

"Check out my cool Batarang!  Isn't it like looking into the face of God?  Surrender now, vile w-"


"I like this chick's style.  But listen toots, you can't continue like this.  But to show there's no hard feelings, I'll save you for last."


"Oooo, Banana?"





"Looks like you haven't improved your army very much since the last time I saw you."

"On the contrary, I have my own Hulk now.  SULLY!"

"Loki, I don't know how to tell you this man, but..."

"I'm out."

"You're WHAT?"

"I said I'm out.  These are the good guys.  I gave up my scaring days a long time ago."

"Peace out, ain't no thing but a chicken wing, playa."

"Oh goddammit-JINGLES!"

(Barely) a PEW.

"Alright then, noble guardians of Earth.  Say your last goodbyes.  With this device, your precious planet will no longer be under your control!"

"Yes, with this gleaming silver device, everyone who loves you will now despise you, while all their adoration will turn to ME!  What a gloriously simple way to defeat you!"

"Um, no offense Loki ole pal, but I think we have company."

The ground trembled as a bright, golden spray of sparks shot from the sky.  Who could it be?  Thor come to reign in his brother once more?  But wait, that is no man...
"!!!"  *cue theme music*

"I am She-Ra, Defender of Eternia, and YOU Loki...have been a bad, bad boy."

"She-Ra???  Who the hell are you?  I've never heard of you!"

"That's nothing a good old-fashioned bitch slap won't cure, Prince."

"Ughh...ok...maybe it rings a bell..."

"Much better.  Now, I will be taking this device back home to Eternia with me.  Me and my brother will figure out how to diffuse it, which after that I will turn it into a fashionable footstool for my boudoir.  Oh, and Loki?"
"Don't worry, my brother's hot too.  We all have urges.  At least you aren't related to yours."

"I CAN'T leave, the Lady Stephanie is my...I believe the colloquial term is, 'ride.'"

"Ow, shit..."
"You are under lockdown whilst remaining in the city of Columbus.  You are only to venture out under express permission of the Lady Stephanie.  Do you understand?"


"Why must someone ALWAYS kick my ass?"


"I think I'll just...stay out here for a bit.  Give myself a breather..."
I always knew that She-Ra was my hero.