It seems too long ago that I took that fateful journey from Ohio to Los Angeles, sallying forth with only the Holy Gopher as guidance. His nimble paws sought out the most enchanting and cautious path, for He who burrows shall forever and always be our holy creature, a divine source of inspiration and strength through which we find everlasting peace and overturned earth.
The time has come, though, dear readers, for me to embark on another adventure. And when I approached his hole-liness, he simply smiled and waved his paw at me to stand.
"The time has come for you to travel once again. But fear not, for wherever you go, so goeth my spirit. But your domain shall be under my careful eye and protection, guarding it as best as I can for a domicile aboveground. And fear not, for you should have a companion on this amazing opportunity, to keep you company and share my gospel. Guide him, as I guided you, and all will be well."
I was shaken. "Wait, you are not journeying on this quest? Not to be impertinent, but can I trust this clansmen?"
The Gopher faltered. "Let's just lay it on front street. This boy's got issues."
"I AM LOKI, OF ASGARD!!!"
I blinked, the Gopher coughing awkwardly. "Um, hello. Love your movies."
"Do not PITY me, human." He swung his blade high in the air, chest puffed out like a proud peacock. "I wish to obtain more knowledge of this world, find your weak points. You will help me."
"Oh, will I?"
"Yes, or I will liberate your head from your pitiful body."
I swallowed. "Fair enough."
So we ventured on my journey to the convent, this puny god stuffed carefully in my carry on, his vows of protection veiling his insatiable desire for power and control. Sure, I know what I am getting myself into bringing this brat-I mean radiant god-along for my first national equity tour. But let's face it...
Once Loki's involved, did I really have a choice?