Tuesday, September 6, 2011


So I am back on this blog for a VERY important reason, ya'll. You see, I went on a journey today. A long journey. At least it was for my butt.

And on this journey, I needed companionship. I needed guidance. And I was blessed with it. I was blessed, you see, by he who digs.

Yes, yes that is right. The Holy Gopher walked with me today.

He's a bit worse for wear, the poor thing. He got to caught up in some Pride festivities and took quite the licking, not in the fun way. But a little packing tape stopped any further damage happening to his silky, spiritual coat. And although his frame is tarnished, it is his golden gopher soul that thrives, despite the state of his physical manifestation.

I prayed to he who digs as I always do on long journeys from LA to Ohio and vice versa. He calmed my fraying nerves with a light scalp massage, followed by a steaming cup of chamomile tea. "Do not be afraid," he squeaked. "Do not be afraid, for I am with thee."

With that, I happily boarded.

We arrived safely at the layover in Phoenix without incident. Unless you call the creepy guy across the aisle leering at me and staring as if he was trying to measure my skin for a suit an incident. That is neither here or there, because I got onto the plane sweet as you please, waiting calmly to take off.

That was when the guy passed out.

I have never experienced drama on a plane. I've been flying since I was 6 months old, and it has never happened. This dude insisted on standing, then refused to sit down, then promptly passed out.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Are you alright, sir?

PASSOUT GUY: *eyes roll back again but he stays conscious*

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Sir, are you alright?

PASSOUT GUY: No, no I'm not.

They got the guy off the plane eventually and after that, we were off.

THG and I spent many an hour wiling away the time keeping fellowship with one another, listening to music, reading Time to enrich, SkyMall to promptly decay. Sudoku saved our brain cells, though...

But eventually the depressurization and the monotony of the time began to take hold.

Must...Not...Pass...Out...Wait. I didn't know THG liked to snuggle...

Stessy Ty-Ty...

Finally, FINALLY we arrive in Columbus. No more cramped seats for 4 hours, no more men dropping like stones, no more creepies trying to play footsie with me. To be back in Ohio, especially with my parents, was a gift that I could not fathom to its full greatness. I was awestruck.

My journey had ended. I was once again in the Buckeye State. I laid myself prostrate before He Who Burrows, pledging my utmost faith and allegiance to him.

...And in doing so, I discovered the answer to the fads of "Planking" and "Owling." Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce you to...


That one's for you, Danny.

Love you all,

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