A Drive-By Post of WTF???

Anyway, what is up? What is going on in the world of Steph?

Let's revert to bullet-points, shall we?

*Got two gigs in Los Angeles. How did I do that? NO IDEA. But I did it!
~I'm in one of my favorite musicals, "Lucky Stiff" at the Glendale Centre Theater.
~I'm in a group called "Spotlight Cabaret" which performs at The Vermont.

*Want to strangle my Musical Theatre Combos teacher. I won't get into it, because this is the internet. And THE EYES ARE EVERYWHERE.

*REALLY want to strangle the teacher for my "Fear and the Horror Film" class. It's a HORROR FILM CLASS. You obviously love horror films. HOW CAN YOU SCREW THAT UP? If we're such a distraction during class discussion (take a moment, let that sink in,) how about if I get up there and teach the class. How about that?

*Am actually enjoying my Film Genre class. Just did classic 40's screwball comedy with "His Girl Friday" and I'm working on "The Quick and The Dead" right now. RAWK.

*Am dancing again, alot, and sweating like a beast 5 out of the 7 days I exist in a week.

*Got CRAZY sick for two weeks. TWO WEEKS. IN JULY. The flu which then turned into a secondary infection of Laryngitis. Seriously? Seriously???

And last, but not least:
*WENT TO COMIC CON, GOT ASKED BY JANE ESPENSON TO HOLD HER WATER BOTTLE, SAW ADAM BALDWIN AND THE ENTIRE CAST OF "BOONDOCK SAINTS II: ALL SAINTS DAY" (That includes Julie Benz too, btw,) AND HALF THE CAST OF "TRUE BLOOD."

Ok, I am now gonna go drop into bed so I can help move my friend Michael in the morning to his new apartment because his ex-best friend and roommate is a fucktwat, and quite hopefully dream of Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto and Karl Urban. Because yes, on top of all that, I have seen "Star Trek" 5 times.

Night all.
~Steph

I Told You It Wouldn't Always Be Pretty

So I need to get some shit off my chest. I think if I itemize it all, you will see how a bunch of tiny little things over the past two weeks have grown into the screeching rage that is inside my head.

• Moving Twice In One Week. Just the stress of it.
• Boxes not getting here until the end of week one.
• The fact that both my roommates have boyfriends who they get to go off and see constantly, while Casey is on the other side of the country. Five hours was bad enough. This straight-out sucks.
• The fact that I miss NY, where people at least acknowledged your presence with a "Fuck You!" instead of blatantly ignoring you, even if you are standing two feet away and in obvious need of help, even if said help would be just opening the door you are squarely standing in front of.
• The fact that LA is truly one giant prostitute, and not the classy kind. This is the kind of prostitute that you feel you got chlamydia from just by being within breathing distance of.
• The fact that there is NO CHINESE ANYWHERE WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE. All that is in walking distance is a good pizza place, a horrible pizza place, a pizza place I have not yet tried, a CVS and a 7-11. There is "ABC Chinese Donut" that sells donuts, chinese food in hot plates with no identification and ice cream, but you see where I am going with this.
• The fact that driving is suicide and I refuse to even think about doing it, but then everything is a 20-30 minute walk.
• The fact that I will probably STILL be a fatass even after walking 20-30 minutes to get anywhere.
• The fact that I spent two weeks working on a parody of "Adelaide's Lament" for my Cabaret Performance class, only to have it be praised on high by everyone and then told I had to change words because people bring their children to these performances. SERIOUSLY? To a CABARET? Cabarets consist of alcohol and dark rooms where either sexual abandon, eclectic music styles or political propaganda is spread. You don't bring Billy and Susie to the fucking thing, I don't care if their older sibling is performing or not. And if the drama showcases can depict an entire rape scene not even two months ago, I think I can do a song void of curse words about phone sex. Sorry for your fucking luck.
• The fact that I have had blisters on my feet every day since coming here. What the fuck.
• The fact that I had nearly HEALED all blisters on my feet until tonight when my one roommate dragged me around all of fucking LA to go to a grocery store because "it would be fun and good for us." So glad you like the great outdoors of smoggy LA, hun, but I am tired. I have been going full blast for two weeks straight now and all I've been wanting for this entire week is one night where I am not dragged around the entire run of LA. So yeah, I put the hammer down when I take my shoes off and have to start hobbling around all over again. I am doing shit all that involves movement after my one class tomorrow, and I'm proud of it.
• The fact that I've been here two weeks but it already feels like four months and I'm running out of time to figure out what the hell I'm going to do after school and what the hell I'm going to do about a job. I haven't even gotten my feet under me yet, I haven't had the chance. I shouldn't be worrying about it as hard as I am, but I can't get it out of my mind.
• The fact that I can't drink in this room. Fuck it all to hell.
• The fact my cursing has gotten worse and I am now fully aware of why everyone is a bitch to everyone here. LA eats your soul.
• The fact that the little bitches that pass for AMDA students here make me want to scream. No wonder our reputation isn't getting any better, they're taking people who do a monologue from Cameron Diaz's "The Holiday" for their classical repetoire class and say their one career goal is to be Reese Witherspoon's best friend. They say that their favorite performers are "Zack and Cody" and the ultimate musical is High School Musical 3. These are 18-19 year-old people. How have you gotten this far in existence in general?
• The smog. I fucking hate the smog. I haven't hacked so much in years. Not to mention my lungs physically hurt for a week after getting here. They don't hurt now. That fact makes me want to cry out of fear.
• The fact that I still want to smoke, even though I have never smoked a day in my life. I need to find something to compensate for the oral fixation that isn't a lollipop.

I'm not going to even get into the whole fact that there are way too many pretty people in this town and everyone is obsessed with everyone else. The fact that I am looked at with disgust on the streets, or worse, pity. I fucking want to scream.

Maybe now that it's out of my system, I can get back down to business. I promise for more upbeat posts in the future. It really isn't as bad as all that, it's just moving pains, homesickness and stress of being back in the AMDA grind getting to me. Once I have a few chill evenings, I should be much better. Night all.

This Is It...

In less than 12 hours I will be in my first class as a BFA student at the American Musical and Dramatic Academy. Crazy!

Here is my schedule:

MONDAY: Kinetic Anatomy, English Composition

TUESDAY: TV Genre, Cabaret/Broadway

WEDNESDAY: Cabaret/Broadway, Improvisation 5

THURSDAY: Kinetic Anatomy, Cabaret/Broadway

FRIDAY: Greco Roman Theatre

I am once again trying not to freak about money - I have been making so many last-minute trips to this store or that store for things I need that I feel like I need a Xanax before I look at my account. Not thinking about it, not thinking about it...

I took some Excedrin PM tonight to make sure I sleep. Obviously it hasn't kicked in yet. I feel like I'm typing a mile a minute and my brain is going even faster than that. *prays prays prays for sleeeeeeeep*

So today me, Wendy (the first roommate,) and Tara (the second roommate,) went and did some shopping. I am concerned about how Tara is going to fit in with me and Wendy. You see, me and Wendy have spent the better part of two days chillin, sharing music and actually being borderline laconic. We are both just very low-key with weird senses of humor and we enjoy the strange things in life. Her current boyfriend came by wearing a kilt, red and black striped tights, a camo shirt and big gothgod boots yesterday. I get these people.

Tara, on the other hand, is not only five years younger than us, but she is extremely frenetic in terms of energy. She's been buzzing in and out, near to panting as she spins about the room, before she runs back out the door again. Neither of us understand why she is moving in here when she is currently living about 5 minutes away (if that) on Hollywood and Highland, and she has a boyfriend who is begging her to stay there with him. She is a serious name-dropper, a pretty heinous sin, and feels the need to tell us who exactly in Hollywood is a jerk/ass and who is not.

The deal breaker was earlier today when we were picking up a few absolute needs for food and I was perusing the wine. Me and Wendy had been thinking about having a little bit of a housewarming dinner tonight, a cool night with maybe a movie and a nice bottle of wine with dinner. At orientation today the head of the housing department informed us we could not have any drugs or alcohol in our dorms, but even this man said "that being said, if you have a party in your dorm, and we don't know about it, then we can't do anything about it." Translated - "I know you guys are adults and will have parties or some sort of alcohol on campus. Just make sure you don't get caught."

Because seriously, what college do you know of where drinking did Not happen in the dorms? Usually the RAs are the ones dealing the pot and buying the alcohol for the underage.

As I mention it to Tara, she freaks. "You can't do that! They told us not to!" I was dumbfounded. This girl just finished the Musical Theatre program in NY last year. She lived in the Strat, which was the main dorm and teemed with coke, pot and entire floor parties. Was she high? Oh, wait, she certainly wasn't. Because the housing department had told her she couldn't be.

I let it drop for the moment because her reaction was just That violent that I was too surprised to do anything else. I warned Wendy, but she tried anyway and the exact same thing happened.

Here is my beef - I am 26 years old. I am a fully grown adult. If I wish to have a glass of wine at dinner, a shot of tequila or to get absolutely thrashed at the school and residence I am paying for, it is my prerogative. I am in college. It is what people do. I am not an alcoholic by any stretch of the imagination but I do enjoy a drink from time to time and I believe I have the right to have an effin drink if I want one. Wendy feels the same.

This girl is not a child and needs to use her head and relax.

That incident, combined with the rest of the day, made both me and Wendy shellshocked by the time she vanished again. She was a little more relaxed and less hyper when she returned tonight, but we shall see how this flies.

Sadly I have no exciting stories to tell you today. But soon I should - I don't seem to wont for interesting situations around here. Tomorrow the plan is to try Pinkberry for the first time between our classes and I'm pretty psyched about that since everyone raves about it. Hopefully my boxes will be here by tomorrow too, and I will finally have my mattress pad, my power strips, all that good stuff.

Well, I guess I have rambled on long enough. Pills still haven't kicked in but sleep must come. Maybe if I lay down and try to relax my breathing I'll get there. Sleep well all!

Counting Down...

So I'm all packed up, more or less - I've gotten my room pretty much squared away save for vacuuming and maybe a little dusting...and I'm sitting here with my thoughts. Never a good thing.

I cried for my first time tonight since Alice's strike tonight. I'm going to miss my parents alot, but besides that I'm going to miss the familiarity that comes with this apartment and the glory and wonder that is Columbus, Ohio. Am I going anywhere here? No. Am I getting anything done here besides adding to my waistline? Not really. But it's home, it's always been home and as much as it can make me insane here, I will miss it. And I know, I know, it isn't forever, but it's still hard to think that in 48 hours, I won't be living here anymore.

Anyway, let's get off that emo bit I had to lance (thanks T-Dawg for putting that phrase in my head at dinner tonight, haha) let's talk about updates. It seems I am not moving into that killer dorm I posted a vid of the other day:( The woe is endless. Especially because I am now in the Vine dorms, which I hear is "......ok." Considering the people who say this also said that "they have cable, which is nice I guess," I think it isn't as horrific as they are saying. In fact, me and my roommate were talking yesterday and it seems that the LA kids have got it nice all over.

I found a pic of what perhaps might be the Vine rooms, since they say the rooms are smaller and much more like "dorm life." All the caption on the picture said was "Inside Campus Housing," so I don't know what you're looking at here. But here it is...



I lovvvvve the curtains - I don't know if they are permanent or added by the people living there, but the rods bolted into the ceiling make them seem kind of official. And like I said before, if this is what I have to look forward to, sign me up.

I also have a new roommate. As I have said on here before, at the Franklin dorms I was going to be with two girls, both of whom looked to be about 20 and from different countries. I was worried that we wouldn't get along because they would be so much younger than me and what not, etc., etc. That also made me worry about my classes - if I am in a class of 6 people, with at least 2 of them being in their late teens/early twenties, what are the chances of the other 3 being even close to my age? The anxiety mounts...

Anyway, with the new dorms comes a new roommate. Her name is Wendy and she is 25, went to AMDA NY the first time around and is going for the BFA acting program in LA rather than the Musical Theatre. She did Musical Theatre in NY and wants to focus more on the classical and stage combat for the rest of it. She is an Eddie Izzard fan, worked at Torrid once upon a time and listens to The Dresden Dolls, Kidneythieves and 30 Seconds To Mars. This chick looks promising. I talked to her yesterday for about 30 minutes or so and besides the awkward air of "I don't know you from Adam," I think we got along great. She was worried about the age thing as well, not to mention having a younger roommate. She also lived in the Strat in NY, if that means anything to anyone reading this blog, so needless to say we bonded over rooms that barely fit a bed and roaches along with our moment of understanding over the eternally gorgeous Jared Leto.

I guess I got moved because of some mixups and such - one of the girls was in her last semster of the BFA program so not only would she be gone soon, but would be doing most of her work at night, and there was a 3rd girl who originally wasn't going to return that decided to come back. I am totally ok with the change, and I really, REALLY hope me and Wendy mesh.

Oh, and she will have her car there! Score.

Anyway, how am I feeling tonight about the move? Overall I'm feeling very good. Tonight as I was packing my carryon I discovered a pen at the bottom - a pen from the Hotel Beacon, the hotel me and my parents stayed in when I first arrived in NY for AMDA. I have used this backpack for years, and somehow this pen has gone completely unnoticed for 8 and a half years at the bottom of it. Through moving and tours, through classes and vacations, this thing has somehow travelled with me completely unnoticed, but always there. It looks like I picked it up yesterday.

How it has remained hidden this long I'll never know. I've washed this backpack many times and cleaned it out completely more than a few, but I am not worrying too much over it. I'm taking this as a sign, a good one, one of support and progress. A reminder to not forget the past, but to carry it with me and take what I need from it, not to dwell on it. A little token to remind me I am not alone, I'm not new to the world, and that I have gotten this far.

The pen is sitting by me now. And I am going to take Graham's advice - I'm going to save the first pen I come across once I reach LA. Or at least pick it up - whether it stays with me on my journey is the universe's decision.

Let's Hug It Out

I just bought my plane ticket. I am officially going to LA in one week.

That's fast, isn't it?

I've been putting off buying the ticket, obviously - just cuz I'm getting nervous and scared. I'm not so great with change, the bigger the change, the harder it is to make myself jump. But everything has been falling into place, including the ticket I've been eyeing for a month never changing, so here I am with ticket in proverbial hand, about to head off on what could prove to be a pretty big adventure.

It's hard to think that I'll be leaving my bed again for a dorm bed and dorm living again. I miss it already, haha. I haven't even begun to pack, but I figure that I have Mon-Wed to get that done.

*is getting itchy*

The word on the street is that in my entire class, there are 6 people total. 6. I am in a room with two other girls, both who already have CA numbers, who may or may not be from Colombia and Puerto Rico respectively. Here is a video I found of the apartments I am staying in:



Please note that when I first went to AMDA, my room was the size of the closet you see there and that was considered SWANK at the time. As was my private shower stall and toilet and my working sink that was literally an ancient basin with a pipe going into the wall. From the looks of this place, I have exposed brick, awesome basin sink with BATHTUB, and not 'a kitchenette' as they told me on the phone, but a full blown kitchen. I'm told there is a fitness center on site, a flat screen in the lounge and there is carpeting. This place may very well be the sexiest place I've ever lived. *crosses her fingers that her roommates are cool*

Or that everyone is cool, for that matter. 6 people? Are you serious? What if there's a bad vibe? One bad vibe in a group that small makes it tough, man. Also, I'm going to probably be the oldest one in our group. From what I'm gathering, all the AMDA West people are relatively younger.

*tries not to hyperventilate*

I'm just freaking cuz it's getting close, y'all. Tomorrow is my going away party and a week from that I am going to be in Los Angeles where I will be staying for at least a year. Thousands of miles away from nearly everyone I know and love. I think it's finally starting to sink in.

But as terrified as I am right now, as tight as my chest is...it still feels like it's right.

And onto the Madness...

So today has been...a weird day. A lot of thinking going on while I was zoning (basically tearing down boxes for 9 hours at work.) And as many of you know, thinking? On me? Is a bad look.

My brain tends to think a lot - there are many studies that show that the female brain fires much more frequently than the male brain. Ralphie May does an AWESOMELY funny bit on the idea, if you get a chance to see that funny bastard. Anyway, I think that if hypothetically the average female brain fires 50 times in a minute (I'm just picking a number here, I have no idea how many times a freaking brain has a thought,) mine must fire at least 150 times a minute.

I can't stop thinking. Ever. My brain, I've come to decide, hates me and wants me to be miserable. Today, it began it's first official attack on the concept that I was indeed uprooting myself in the middle of a recession to go off and finish my BFA in Los Angeles with enough financial aid loans to keep me in ramen noodles until I'm 500 years old. And then there's the other school loan, but we shall not get into that just yet...

See, I left New York for several reasons. The easiest way to put it and the biggest reason was - New York made me crazy. Granted, I knew I had issues when I left for New York, but I was a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed 18-year-old and that can get you REAL far before you know you are so deep in the mud that you can't breathe. I remember things like literally banging my head into a kitchen cabinet over and over - and that was before I really flew off the deep end.

The bottom line is that I returned from New York so beat up and destroyed on the inside that I had no idea who I was. I'm not even sure anything was left. I have spent the last five years of my life trying to rebuild my insides and let me tell you, I still have a huge, Huge way to go. But the world keeps turning, the sun keeps rising and I have been working on becoming a more stable, confident human being.

When I began my work on putting myself into the professional acting world again, I felt good about it. I still mostly do. And AMDA is definitely a step in the right direction for many reasons - I'll be able to see Los Angeles in a somewhat controlled environment, which I like, because I'm a timid creature by nature and do NOT like jumping into things without any clue of what will happen to me, how I'll survive, etc. I'll be getting the degree I have always wanted - A BFA in Musical Theatre. It may very well improve my GPA to the point that I can once again look into Grad schools. And above all, it may help improve my outlook on myself and my abilities as a person and as a performer.

But today, my brain took the first steps into negative territory and began to second guess. It began to doubt, and worst of all - it began to bring up the past. What if I get it in my head I can make it as a professional actress again? You know how well that went last time. You'll never make it, you know that - it's all about who you know or how pretty you are, and you, Stephanie, are not an attractive chick nor are you good at schmoozing. You have none of that 'it factor' that gets people to like you and want to work with you. Everyone thinks you're a nice enough girl, but you're forgettable. You're lucky if they remember your name a second after you say it.

My voice teacher from New York, Scott, is teaching at AMDA. I talked to him the other day about me coming out there and he thinks LA will be good for me - that it has a slower pace compared to New York, and that it is more laid back. I had to try hard not to contain my laughter at that concept. It seems to me that yes, LA is more laid back than NY. But LA's definition of laid back is big plastic smiles and mock sincerity about "how they'd love to hear more about you and to have your people call their people to do lunch, right after you brighten up that pretty smile of yours with some veneers and lose about 100 pounds, ok?" At least in NY they don't waste your time.

That is just my impression of LA, at least. I may be proved wrong. I may go out there and love it, and finally, FINALLY find my niche. And believe me, I'd love nothing more than that. To finally find that little corner of the performance world where I'm not only successful, but welcomed and comfortable. But, I only have so long to do that...

Which brings me to the money. I hate money. I hate that there has to be such a thing as bartering and consumerism in this world. As of right now, I am trying not to have a panic attack not about my psychological, emotional, even physical future. Right now, I am trying not to panic over the fact that I began working out my budget for LA and realized just how financially fucked I really am.

Even if I cancelled AMDA, the loans I have from OSU are enough to drown a person. Add on AMDA and you get the drift. But it's college, that's what college does. Fucks your credit. It is what it is. Considering the degree I'm going for and my rate of success in my life up to this point, I think I will have the dubious honor of claiming bankruptcy before I'm 30.

It just makes me want to cry, because I look at all the good, truly good people I know in my life who are trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents at the moment and how fucked their credit is. I have decent credit right now. But that is all going to be history in a year and a half. And maybe I'm being stupid, but it made me feel at least a little secure to have that. Over the years, you give up a little more of yourself, a little more of your safety everytime you turn around. "At least my parents are doing ok." "At least I am making $7.00 an hour." "At least I don't have to pay that yet." "At least I'm in school." "At least I'm ok...for now." I don't like not feeling at least neutral about my future. Neutral, fine. Negative? Doesn't really make it easy to look forward to tomorrow, you know?

It becomes scary to wake up every morning. It becomes nerve-wracking to wonder what will happen to you in six months, a year, where you're heading and what will happen to you and those you love. I've seriously had the urge to smoke for the past month and a half, I can almost feel the cigarette between my lips...and I have never smoked a day in my life.

Anyway, I am tired, this has gone on long enough, I had a nice, long talk with some people who know a little better about financial things such as this and I need a hot shower. Walmart is a freezing place to work, yo. If you ever work there, be sure to bundle. Layering is the secret.

And do whatever you can not to wrangle and push carts back into the store in near-negative degree weather. Hide in the bathroom if you have to. Take it from someone who knows.