Loki and His Mary-Land

We apologize for leaving you bereft of our interactions for so long, dear readers.  Loki and I have been settling into life once again in the City of Angels.

It seems as soon as we get a moment to breathe, suddenly the whole week fills.  And it's maddening and absolutely wonderful all at the same time.  Mostly due to the fact that without something to keep myself busy and not a slave to the every whim of our favorite miniature egomaniac, I probably would have swallowed a knife at this point.

But I digress!  We have many a tale of the road to delight you with!  And after that, we shall be regaling you with the madness that is me juggling being a working actor and Loki's dancing monkey here in Southern California.  So come on, gentle readers!  Let us survive Baltimore!

Sweet Baby Jesus is RIGHT, Loki.  What a town.

I have nothing against Baltimore, and in fact I think it would be quite a fun little area to get to know if I had a car.  But things being what they were, I was stuck for two weeks in a haunted hotel with a bevy of locals that were either extremely sweet and polite, or absolutely insane.  I mean actually, certifiably, screaming in your face and trying to grab your purse insane.

Me and Loki found our niches, though.  Being as we were in the home of the one and only guerrilla filmmaker himself. John Waters, we simply had to stop by Atomic Books and say hello to the...erm...clientele there.  (Man?  Woman?  Garbage Pail Kid?  Still not sure, but Loki made friends with it fast.)

Our second favorite place to be was actually inside our hotel - it was a gift shop called "Sideshow."  I knew it would be love at first sight as soon as I saw this gaping maw of a clown bellowing to step inside...

Oh the sights!  Tribble card games!  Eisenhower's head charms!  Hula Girls!  Small plastic babies, and menorah sunglasses!

Plush fetuses!

 

Yep.  With heartbeats.  Only in a fancy hotel in Baltimore would a store such as this exist.

Since singular oddball experiences seemed to be the theme of the stay, we ended up visiting Loki's first "Ripley's Believe It Or Not," at the Inner Harbor.  

There, Loki encountered all the variations on art and the human condition that he could stand.

He met the world's tallest man...

Loki...didn't quite measure up.  But he's already got such a complex on being little, I let it slide.

He discovered Swarovski crystals can indeed be affixed to cars...

And yes, he discovered that the world's skinniest man can indeed spend time with a wicker motorcycle.

We knew that question has been haunting you for years.

I also got to introduce Loki to my one and true alma mater - Hogwarts!

Granted, it was a lot bigger how I remembered it, but Loki enjoyed the scale.  (Sidenote: Can you believe this???  Made entirely out of matchsticks.  Gorgeous!)

We even discovered a strange and wonderful place below Ripley's, made for someone just Loki's size.  He got to experience the thrill of trudging through a hot, smelly subway station!  Imagine that!  Dreams really do come true.

Everything was to scale.  Very impressive.  And I couldn't help but notice, as I crawled on my stomach like a soldier behind enemy lines, that the view aboveground was truly impressive.

Once again, all matchsticks.  Amazing.

Once we returned to the land of giants, Loki became quite enamored with the concept of shrunken heads.  Maybe it was because he was remind he is a runt of an ice giant, himself.

I don't know, but I will never forgive Ripley's for the helpful "How-To" video that accompanied this display, of which Loki took copious notes.

Yep, Ripley's had it all, along with many a thing I didn't know I needed to see.  Loki even got to go crown jewel shopping!

"I desire one for every day of the week, Slip of Hay.  How convenient you have brought me to a veritable trove of crowns to choose from!"

"Sure thing, Lokes.  Whatever you say.  Just know that when the alarms go off, you're on your own."

And as we rode our majestic sea dragon out and around the harbor, I couldn't help but think to myself...

What a wonderful world.

Bye, bye, Baltimore!

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Mickey and Minneapolis

Wow...wow Loki...I didn't know I meant that much to you...

And flowers?  For me?  Oh Loki, I knew this day would come, I just KNEW it.  We'll be so happy together!  And our babies will be so beautiful...

...O-oh, my mistake...this was for Thor, wasn't it...no, no it's fine, it's totally fine, I was just joking...heh...heh heh...no, I'm not crying...

If Minneapolis were a person, me and Loki would have had a happy, happy polygamous marriage with it.  Minneapolis was just...so damn cool.  And it was lovely that we were staying in downtown, because there was all sorts of lovely food, things to do, bookstores to raid and flagship Targets to wander in.

What you see above is from a delicious bakery called Angel Food.  I was served by a kick ass chick with tattoos and piercings who loved my Doctor Who shirt.  God Bless America.

What Lies Beneath, Though...

...Way fuckin' cooler.

("Oh Stephanie, is that a chandelier made of butcher knives and meat cleavers?"  Why yes, yes it is.)

Welcome to Hell's Kitchen.

This little piece of misery is actually a gourmet restaurant underneath Angel Food.  And let me tell you, if this is hell?  Sign me the hell up.

Loki wasn't the biggest fan of the place due to its red theme, but assured me that if I enjoyed it so, he would allow it to stay after the uprising.  I thanked him profusely, because if this place's brunch menu no longer existed in this world, there would be no point in living in it anymore.

Despite the Satanic theme, this place was the most friendly and laid back place to eat.  Sure, your waiter might have massive plugs in their ears that you can't help but wonder what will happen when they are finally taken out, but hey, he's got a genuine smile on his face and is serving you heaven in the underworld.  Just adds to the charm, dude.

Sit Ubu, sit...good dog.

There was also somewhere else beyond massive and epic in Minneapolis that Loki just HAD to see.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we embarked on the most red-blooded American thing a person could do.

We went to the Mall of America.

I nearly had a panic attack it was so big.  I literally went for things I needed - I needed jeans.  I needed to see "Days Of Future Past."

And I needed to see the Star Trek Exhibition.

Now, unfortunately there were no pictures allowed inside said exhibition.  I know.  I know, it crushed my soul too.  And I am a good, honest human being.  I would never DREAM of breaking rules, not where Star Trek is concerned.  I mean, what did Captain Kirk teach us, after all?

He taught us damn the rules, if it's for the greater good.

Me and Loki Kobayshi Maru'd the SHIT outta that bridge, son.

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

Other than that, we met Smurfette and a mermaid,

Saw some boobies,

Met Mary Tyler Moore,

And unearthed a MASSIVE trove of old theatre signs, advertisements and paraphernalia in the bowels of the Orpheum, where the show was playing.

And now, we have to go prep our new friend Chips for his role as Nun #18 in "Sister Act."  Evening, playas.

Live it like you is it.

Where The Wind Goes Sweeping Through My Brain

Oklahoma City was feast or famine.

It was a cute little city, with a ton of pride, and that is admirable.  But the fact of the matter is that neither I nor Loki are that big on athleticism.  If Oklahoma City loves only two things, it's Buffaloes and Basketball as this mural can attest.

Don't ask me, I don't know either.

Apologies.  There are three things Oklahoma City loves.  It loves its basketball, its buffalo...

"My name is Clyde, but in the rap game I go by 'Radon Chong," cuz it is a parenthetical and a prepositional joke and what not, son."

"My stylist said 'always take off one accessory before you walk out your door,' but I just couldn't help it.  I needed to wear all the things."

"It was around hour five when the mescaline began to take hold.  Too weird to live, too rare to die."

"My ass is literally grass."

...and Oklahoma City loves its banjos.

Yep, we visited something called the American Banjo Museum.  This was only one small corner of what was otherwise more banjo for your buck than I ever dreamed.

We bid respect to a fellow who also understands the burden of being green...

And Loki, deciding that Kermit wore green much better than he ever could, tried on a few outfits including this snappy little number...

But once we decided it was a little too loud, we went with a smooth, snazzy dinner jacker combo after that.

He also insisted we give this ensemble a shot, to which I zipped my lips and kept all questions and opinions to myself.

All the dressing room changing worked up an appetite, so the next thing we knew we were hitting an honest-to-god Route 66 hotspot, Pops.

Any kind of pop you dreamed of was here, and many kinds of pop you never dreamed of were here.  Buffalo Wing, anyone?

Perhaps Sweet Corn flavored, or Martian Poop?

And come on, who can ever turn down a good, old-fashioned PB&J...

Loki felt that no meal would be complete without a healthy swig of bacon, because come on, everyone loves bacon.

He seemed to take the bacon as a challenge, muttering about how Thor always could inhale two times more than him on most days.  I didn't have the heart to tell him it was artificially-flavored.  He's got enough on his mind trying to overthrow the North Korean government.

In the end, our haul included only one palatable choice, (Salted Caramel Root Beer,)  Martian Poop, Bacon, PB&J, Sweet Corn, and Buffalo Wing.  We also got something entitled "Rocket Piss."  Supposedly it glows in the dark.

Don't know if I will be drinking that one, Loki might be on his own.

Yup, we explored all the treasures Oklahoma City had to offer.  I'm just glad I heeded all posted rules.  My fearless leader, on the other hand...

...believes all rules are meant to be broken.

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