Sac It To Me!

Helloooooo Cali!

 

Where Loki didn't make love to a horse, but definitely shrunk one down, broke off its legs and tied it to this bike that was conveniently parked in the shower.

 

 

Sacramento was so beautiful.  Truly.  So much gorgeous, uplifting art...

 

 

And slightly disturbing, unsettling art...

 

 

Loki loved Sacramento, even though it was a bit sunny, warm and bright for his tastes.  But there was lots of art for him to claim...

 

"The Great Poseidon?  HAH!  More like the great POSER-seidon!  Amirite?  Slip of Hay?  ANSWER ME MORTAL!!!"

 

"This poor elephant.  I'm confused, human.  Why would you worship a god who was so hefty he killed his mount?  A mount that was an elephant?  That is one fatass god."

"I'm uncomfortable.  Slip of Hay, I desire to leave now.  Immediately.  As soon as possible."

We visited a lovely store called Zanzibar, where Loki discovered a menagerie of mounts for himself that we were pretty sure he wouldn't crush under his enormous bulk, (Shhh, don't tell him I said that...)

 

Along with a lovely peacock to bring out his plumage...uh, I mean the peacock had lovely plumage...*cough*

 

 

Lucky we found such a mighty steed, because soon after that we found an honest-to-god devil's crossroads.

 

 

Loki, of course, asked for universal domination over all realms of existence.  The devil said "Sure thing, you just have to give up all magic to me, and grow an anteater's schnoz that you must suffer with for the rest of your life."

 

Turns out there is a price too steep to pay, even for Loki.

 

We decided to go for a Rickshaw ride, but we had no one to pull it.

 

 

So Loki created a giant rabbit to pull it and drag us down its rabbit hole filled with change.

 

 

Where we built a snowman out of pillows.

 

 

(Loki likes "Frozen."  I wonder why...)

 

Loki also enjoyed Sacramento due to its innate subjugation and proper protocol when it came to his highness visiting.  They even marked their parking spaces, to remind its people of its place.

 

 

After seeing such a conscious effort to submit, Loki was hungry for more knowledge regarding this lovely city.  We found a lovely bookstore with quite a bit of attitude for him to absorb info from.

 

He found a forgotten relic there, a shell of gods that once were.  They became very good friends, and Loki enjoyed it because it was the madness of creating a circle of friends without all the time and energy wasted.

 

And when we stop for lunch, we were met with the most gut-wrenching tip jar we've ever encountered.

 Yes, there were all sorts of gorgeous sculpture, art, and the PARK, the park was nothing but trees that no two seemed to be alike, and this gorgeous rose garden that I could have spent my life in.  Sac-town, you were expensive as hell, but I tell ya what.  You were gorgeous to visit.

 

Yes Spo-KANE!

Next stop...Spokane!

 

 

 

I had Schenectady Syndrome in Spokane.  That is what it's called now.  Also, say that 3 times fast.

 

Spokane was BEAUTIFUL.  And BOMB.  And if I don't retire to Schenectady, or Omaha, I will retire to Spokane.

 

It was just...beautiful.  And peaceful.  And interesting.  We could have done another week there easy.

 

I mean, there was art EVERYWHERE.  Both beautiful...

 

 

Whimsical...

 

 

 

And weird.

 

 

His name was Burt Bike-A-Rack, so he was both weird and functional!

 

There was the most delish sushi...where Loki made some actual friends.  Yeah, they were a wee bit taller, but Thor's taller too.  Loki's used to it.

 

 

And his name is definitely getting round as a formidable ruler!  Just look at this stampede of people running from him at the mere sight of his fearsome physique.

 

 

Unfortunately, we discovered that Spokane is already ruled, by one "King Cole."  I fear for this man.  Loki hunted for him all the while we were here.  Hopefully, he knows what is best for him and simply relinquishes his crown.  I would hate to see Loki spill anymore innocent blood.

 

 

Spokane was a magical place.  Loki felt most at home here.  There was enchantment everywhere.  For instance, there was this goat, who would eat your trash.

 

 

It seemed to be revered, as it was placed upon a high point in the park, as if it was to be respected.  Loki agreed with its perch, as he explained to me that "With every passing day, I find the animals of your world to be much more fit to live than humans."  Aw shucks.  Thanks buddy.  I love you too.

 

He met an astronaut after that.  I hoped this would improve Loki's opinion of us.  But although he did agree that the conversation was very stimulating, he could not be impressed by a species whose greatest achievement was riding to a satellite of rock in a tin can.

 

 

We also visited the tremendous Falls, where Loki began sketching out plans for a hydro-powered fortress to plot from...

 

 

And then we rounded out our stay by taking a ride on a majestic unicorn.

 

 

At least we tried.  We settled for a ride on the historic Looff Carousel instead.  Caught the ring and everything!

 

 

 

So in a nutshell, Spokane was incredibly enjoyable.  Delicious coffee, funky stores, saw "Muppets: Most Wanted" and otherwise had a stellar time.  Can't wait to visit the riverfront again.  Until then, however, please just remember to stay careful, keep an eye out for Loki...

 

 

And stay alive.  For even though love is in the air...

 

 

...Doesn't mean that same someone wouldn't be happy to punch your face in.  Your lesson for the day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Woman In Every Portland.

I totally dig these cities with all their weird street signs.

 

 

So let's be real.  I dropped the ball in Portland.  There was much of the rain, and it's hard to take a pic and hold a Loki while holding an umbrella.  But me and Loki did manage to adventure, and Portland was pretty damn cool.  Loki didn't quite know what to make of it, so Portland, you won a bit of a reprieve.  We'll have to return at a later date to conquer you properly.

 

We arrived in Portland in a hair dryer.

 

 

Straight up propellers, y'all.  And our whole group couldn't fit on one plane.  We had to take two trips.

 

 

We lunched with legends.

 

 

And then immediately regretted it, because there are so many food trucks in Portland that they could feed 3 third-world countries.

 

 

 

 

 

I tell ya, Portland had the best cheap food ever.  The best coffee I got was this iced latte with handmade vanilla syrup from Courier Coffee, which may have looked like a vacant room but served up perfection:

 

 

And then there was Sizzle Pie next door.  Delicious.  I got "The Ol' Dirty," which was salami, ricotta, pepperocinis and olive oil.  And greasy angel's dreams.

 

 

Hey, it was better than the solar-powered Domino's across from the hotel.  Yes, you heard what I said.  We took a picture, but it's pretty blurry.  Portland is definitely both a city of the future, and a city that is righteously aware it is a city of the future.

 

We also came across the majestic Demon Fork of Oregon.  Or that's what Loki named it, anyway.  He decided he would pluck this from the stone earth in which it had been forged and use it to decimate any rebellious spirit that might rise against him.

 

 

The man tried to get us down, but Loki knew how to deal with him.  He simply called him refuse and turned him to stone.

 

 

We discovered that this particular "The Man" had been terrorizing Portland for some time.  The locals instantly began to fall to their knees in gratitude, relieved tears rolling down their faces as they thanked the puny god and explained how they had been fighting the tyrant and those like him with various collection campaigns in the form of seemingly harmless tip jars around the city.

 

 

 

I'll give it to Lokes, he was a patient and generous ear.  If he wasn't a deluded, whiny bastard with a daddy complex I might even hazard to say he wouldn't be too bad of a ruler, or at least minor lobbyist on Capitol Hill.  He bequeathed them these frightful warriors, in honor of Mark "Sumo" Sagato, to protect them from further terrorism until his return.

 

 

 

After this we visited Powell's Books, so as his highness could do some research on this city in order to make it his next conquest.  It was truly a book nerd paradise.  It had new books, used books, weird socks, art...

 

 

It even had a drag queen with a bird's nest on his head perusing the children's book section.

 

 

 

God bless you, Portland.  And thank you.